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Writer's Block: Taking It Personally

Mar. 1st, 2009 | 06:45 pm

Have you ever taken a personality test like the Myers-Briggs or Enneagram? If so, did you agree with the results? And what was your type?

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Incidental Accident

Mar. 1st, 2009 | 11:55 am
location: Home
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: None

I have a six or seven inch scar on my head. It feels strange, indented, and still painful. The landscape of my head, with which I was intimately familiar, is now foreign. I have had small burns that have left their mark over many years, and one of my knees still has a piece of lead pencil in it from my childhood. (I imagine that slowly leaching into my system over the years!) But I've never had a scar that actually altered the terrain of my skin, perhaps permanently.

And yet I am so very fortunate. I fell down an entire flight of stairs, landed on my head, and broke no bones, nor did I lose consciousness. I lost blood, I am very bruised on one side, but I am neither crippled or maimed, nor do I have to relearn my alphabet. I had wonderful people who assisted me, took care of me, transported me to the ER, and stapled me up. Yes, stapled me up - I had 29 of them in my scalp.

I have had some after-effects. I am very sensitive to sound - moderately loud sounds vibrate through me, and sometimes make me flinch. My sense of smell, which was always acute, seems moreso. I have had flashbacks of the accident - of falling without being able to stop myself. I am cautious when I walk, and super protective of my head. It has made me very mindful - which is perhaps the lesson that was intended.

In a biofeedback session with a homeopath, it showed my crown chakra is closed. I find this both interesting and sad, and hope it's temporary!

I have had interesting dreams, most recently one where I am wading through warm blue water under blue skies, surrounded by white sand.  I guess it's my subconscious' efforts at healing.

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The First Rose, and other Sweet Things

Jun. 6th, 2007 | 12:58 pm
location: Cambridge
mood: happyhappy
music: "Good Stuff" by the B52s

This morning as I walked Louis through my neighborhood in Belmont, I couldn't help but marvel at how beautiful everything was.  So many different blooming bushes and flower gardens, and with the recent rain, everything was lushly green.  The temperature was just about perfect, and the air was dry and comfortable.  I rounded a corner and saw almost immediately a rose bush with a huge pink rose in full bloom.  I quickly traversed someone's lawn (hee hee) and took the rose up to my nose.  The scent couldn't have been sweeter!  Everything took on a sweeter quality, too, because of the beauty of that first rose of the season.  My step had more bounce to it, I was more patient with Louis, and I was filled with gratitude.

I have so much to be thankful for!  I have a wonderful spiritual teacher who constantly challenges me to be mindful and conscious.  My little terrier, Louis, is a constant wonder and a joy.  I have a small circle of generous and kind friends -- interesting women of all ages and lifestyles -- who are supportive and loving.  And I have a new, sweet rose in my life!

I will call this new bloom Jo.  We have been seeing one another since May 3, and it has exponentially grown over this past month from a mutual attraction to something much deeper and more intimate and closer.  It is a mature relationship, with a minimum of drama.  The physical aspects of it are breathtaking, and I am finally able to manifest all the various sides of myself - loving, sensual, nurturing, kinky, dominant, submissive, passionate, cuddly - everything.  This is a new thing for me - it seems something had always been held back, whether through self-consciousness or complete lack thereof, or relationships that were co-dependent, destructive, or harmful for me.  This is not to denigrate who I was, nor any of the women I have loved.  It was part of a growth trajectory, and I feel very fortunate to have grown to this point where I would have attracted someone like Jo into my life.  She is younger than me, but very much a peer, very spiritual, intelligent, funny, a great cook ; ), and independent.  She is willing to experiment, to follow me into new territory, to build trust.  She is emotionally available, and not bound up in other complicated relationships.  When she is lying next to me, warm and alive, she is mine, and I am hers.

I am so fortunate to have such a beautiful garden!

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Beautiful eyes

May. 9th, 2007 | 03:56 pm
location: work
mood: happyhappy
music: Amy Winehouse

When I looked down into your beautiful light blue eyes, any doubts I might have had about you, me, us together, disappeared instantly.  I saw your soul - light, innocent, gentle, childlike.  Around those precious orbs was the crinkling of years of hurt, pain, and joy...the mask from which you peeped.  I think I know that girl, and love her.

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Amazing week

Apr. 11th, 2007 | 08:57 am
location: Home (late for work!)
mood: awake
music: "One Less Bell to Answer," Marilyn McCoo

It's been a full and wonderful week so far.  On Monday, I went with Jordanian friends to the World Film Festival in Belmont.  "Knowledge is the Beginning" was playing.  It's a documentary about conductor and pianist Daniel Barenboim and his friend, the late Edward Said, and the orchestra they formed to bring together Arabs and Israelis.  The West-Eastern Divan Orchestra has 80 Arab and Israeli musicians who have workshops in Spain for a month in the summer, and then do tours.  Edward Said's widow was there, as well as an Israeli violinist attending New England Conservatory of Music.  It was incredibly moving.  Tears were often running down my face, and my chest was clenched tight.  There were Muslims, Christians, and Jews in the audience, who were also quite international.  Barenboim talked about going to Ramallah to play for a school there.  A girl who was interviewed said, "He was the first thing I had seen come from Israel that wasn't a tank or a soldier."  The Israeli children, too, had moving stories to tell.  The fear all the kids had of the other was talked about and shared.

That night, when I went home, I felt exhausted from emotion, and yet peaceful because there are people in this world striving towards kindness and humanity, instead of everything we read in the papers and on-line about war and violence and complete disregard for others.  Women and girls disappearing from Indian villages at the rate of TWO A DAY to be sold into the sex trade.  An American president who does not even see people different from himself as PEOPLE.  Environmental disasters in communities where large corporations have ravished the land and left them. Fired workers who march into their old offices and mow people down.  I feel powerless and hopeless sometimes.  But, this film gave me a glimmer of hope. 

I did my tarot, and it was all positive.  The Adjustment card from the Crowley Deck was interesting.  I know I have to stay centered, because there are winds of change all around me that could easily send me spiraling into drama (or at least, could have in the past).  Lots of things at work, searching for a new roommate at home, worrying about money to pay all the bills myself...  These forces threaten at all sides.  But like the woman depicted on the card, I must balance on the head of a sword, and not waver!

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my massage therapist.  It was so lovely!  She played a tape of Carla Bruni, a French singer with a sexy voice, while she worked on my aching back.  I felt alive in my body, and I could see that in her work on decades-old knots and pressure points, more than scar tissue and clenched muscles are being dissolved.  My mind, too, is starting to let go of fears, embarassments, old perceptions...  Getting this bodywork done over the past 6 months has helped create a shift in me that I never would have achieved in my mind alone.  Fascinating....

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Apr. 8th, 2007 | 11:41 am
location: Home office
mood: cheerfulcheerful
music: Amy Winehouse

In an inbetween place - not good, not bad.  No judgments.  Curiosity about the future - eagerness, even.  Fun with neighbors and friends at the same time work is overwhelming and neverending at times... 

Dancing to music in the living room  "...what kind of fuckery is this...?", doing laundry in the basement, eating a scone on a bench in the freezing wind and warm sun with my favorite neighborhood kid and discussing atheism, agnosticism, and cute boys...  Giving squirmy, constantly-moving Louis a bath and closing my eyes as he gives a mighty shake that douses the bathroom...  (He's only 20 pounds, for goodness sakes!) 

Reading trashy internet erotica, and looking at racy pictures.  Reading Anais Nin again.   Using the vibrator like a thousand times before and being almost bored, but grimly determined...  Bored with sex a lot lately.  Hmm.  Watching a horrid lesbian film and criticizing the fashions, the nasty track of women's music (really, nothing worse...), and wishing it were so much better. 

Doing transcription, listening to the sounds of the loud housemate vaccuuming, moving things, packing (Thank god!)...  Just one more weekend, I think with glee, a little guilty, but not so much...

Raking leaves and pruning in the garden, chatting with neighbor ladies, petting neighborhood dogs, watching the annual Belmont Easter egg hunt, where hundreds of children line up at the edge of a field with thousands of multi-colored plastic eggs...  (The MC says, "Ok, children!  On my mark!  Ten, nine......" and they're off early, en masse, a stampede of flying hair, kicking heels, squealing, and laughter from adults...  I know that impatience!)

Waiting for Spring.  Waiting for play partners, new lovers, exciting prospects, my teacher to return home, my diet to start manifesting....  The season of anticipation.

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Stolen from a dating web site (Blush)

Apr. 7th, 2007 | 08:59 am
location: Home
mood: amusedamused
music: The beautiful strains of my housemate moving out.

Under the profile for "A typical girl," she said some untypical things:

"C'mon...we ALL have baggage, but, those questions
the airlines ask at check-in...they're important...
Did you pack your bag yourself?
Are you aware of the contents?
Have you left it unattended?

A little self-awareness goes a long way."

And she's CANADIAN....   Swoooonnnnn....

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Laboring under Misconceptions

Apr. 6th, 2007 | 09:04 am
mood: pensivepensive
music: Amy Winehouse

I enjoyed my voyeuristic self at a recent party.  After the fun event, I was emailing with a couple people who had been there.  We were talking about D/S roles, and such, and I mentioned I was working on my domme-ness.  Both said, "Oh, you're a domme? We thought you were a sub...."  EEEKS!  I said, "Is it because I'm feminine?"  No, apparently it had nothing to do with my 'gender energy,' but rather another kind of energy that I exude.  All my life, I have been 'reluctantly' submissive - mostly because I had such a rigid, disciplinarian upbringing I could do nothing else.  My relationships tended to follow along the same line...submitting to another's will.  I am trying to change that, to bring out my inner warrior-ess.  My friends told me it has more to do with confidence, with centering one's self and projecting that domme energy.  So, I guess I have a lot to work on yet!  Sigh!  When will I be done, and finished, and perfect?  (smile)  Rhetorical question...  Let's just say I'm a work in progress...!

Had a viewing marathon of Season Two of "Battlestar Galactica," on DVD.  That night, I dreamt about Cylons who looked like people.  I also had a device under my feet that looked like those spring toys kids strap on their feet, and jump on, but MY device had a switch that helped me FLYYYYYY....  ; )

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A Dream of Service

Mar. 26th, 2007 | 07:18 am
location: Morning at home
mood: excitedexcited

I had an amazing dream - a long dream about my teacher, J., and I last night.  We were doing great work together!
It started on the bus.  Someone was talking about being J.'s assistant, or that she needed one, or something.  I knew this person was not the right one, but *I* was.  I went to her house and told her I was applying for the job.  I was ready.  She were ready.  Then, in my new role, I took her to a beautiful building in Boston, a library, and I introduced her to women I knew, or knew of, who had humble jobs in various research fields.  Some had contacts in the African American community, some with women's issues.  They were humble, good, knowledgeable.  We all sat at a table, maybe four, five, or six, and she talked to them.  They had to be convinced to follow her and sign on to the 'venture. ' I wanted her to 'show' them herself - her amazing gifts, to read them, perhaps (and was frustrated I could not do it for her), but she did not need to.  Her words persuaded them, opened their hearts.  The work she and I were doing was very big - like an international foundation.  I was an integral, respected part of the work, and brought people to her.
The building was beautiful.  The architecture was the model of simple elegance, graceful lines, beauty itself. 
I introduced her to researchers I had met of different races, mostly Black, who accepted J.  They told us about a very high mountain that a woman ascended each day, on foot.  At the top was an observatory or something.  I saw a map of it.  Then, I went with people as we drove in a jeep up this mountain, made of many, many man-made steps, like a huge monument.  I met J. at the top, and there were many many people lined up, dressed in elegant black and white - men, women, children.  They had Indian or South American faces.  It was in another country, ancient.
She and I and our little entourage of people went to the head of the line (which I thought was rude), but the people let us go before them.  Then we began descending into this huge structure - perhaps like a pyramid or sepulchre or something?  Beautifully made, cooler temperatures, darker.  The steps were made of small, brick-like stone and on each step was a symbol, in red.  It contained a cross but had other lines, slash marks.  Complex, like Latin with other symbols?  Very old.  Sacred.  We were descending together to something important...
The dream ended.  I woke up feeling happy.
Everything in the dream was positive, except my occasional judgments or fears.  But they were small, not large, like in past dreams.  I guess it means I'm improving - hopefully!  Something good is coming.

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A Stranger's Lyrical Phrase

Mar. 23rd, 2007 | 08:30 am
location: Home
mood: happyhappy
music: Amy Winehouse

It was a lovely day - not terribly warm, but sunny and mild.  I left work to go to the bank and get some lunch.  As I walked down the short, one way street behind the library where my office is, I was hit suddenly by a sustained blast of wind.  All the way down the street, I pushed against galeforce winds until I reached the end, and stood on the cross-street of Brattle.  There was no wind there.  I turned in amazement to the young man who had been walking behind me, "God, that felt like a wind tunnel!" I said.

He smiled and said with an accented voice, "It is where the wind goes."  

So lyrical and lovely!  My mind was filled with fairy tales and whimsical pictures.  All it takes sometimes, is a few words like that to change my day completely.

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